What A LOVEly Idea!: 6 Tips for Doing the Distance
All right guys this is a post for you (it could possibly work for the ladies too). How to keep the love alive and well while on the road? We all face the question for those of us who travel, do research, volunteer, study, or have any sort of work abroad. Most people don't even attempt and many of those that do usually end up falling apart.
Relationships are, in many ways, of central importance to our lives as people. It may be that the formation of relationships is at the heart of what makes us human. We are all biologically linked and have a fundamental effect on one another. Human relationships or sociality, as it is sometimes called, may have given us the biological material that makes language and culture possible. Thus relationships are key to human life. Nowhere is this more apparent than when we look at the need for “romantic” relationships and nowhere is this more important to discuss than in travel.
This is a topic that always comes up among my friends who travel long term. It prompts a set of issues that seem forever unsolvable: “do I do long distance or not?”, “how do I do long distance? ”, etc. While I must say I’m no “love genie” with all your romance answers, I can offer insights and suggestions based on my own experiences doing long distance while traveling for a year and a half. These 6 tips will give you a starting point at least for approaching your own unique situation.
Salsa night with my lady before leaving for my RTW trip.
(1) You have to put in the work
You should understand from the very beginning that doing long distance requires you to 'put in the work.' It's not going to happen magically. If you're serious about staying together, you will have to be focused and strategic in your plan to do long distance. I know some people are tempted to try to do it by 'playing things by ear.' This never works. If you're not up for the work (essentially your implying the relationship is not worth it), break up amicably and leave with your fond memories of each other intact, rather than torturing each other for an extended time, ruining each other's lives and your trip. However, if you know you want to be with that person, understand that you will have to work at it.
(2) Find a Check-In Program
During your trip, you need to have a means of staying in touch in an informal and contiguous way. For many this might be texting; however during my trip that wasn't an option. This is before the advent of the awesomeness that is T-Mobile's international phone and text arrangement (Nomadic Matt discusses this at length here). I had to find another way. For us, that was WhatsApp.
While internet service wasn't great during many parts of my trip, I had access to it more often than not as even in those more off-the-beaten-path locations, internet access has declined significantly in price while increasing significantly in availability. Most evenings we could shoot back and forth a few quick texts about key highlights or simply about the mundane matters of that day. I have to admit, this took some getting used to. I have never been a great texter. I used texting very similarly to the way I used email before I met Shari—messages of a few lines with a central point that could be answered with a reply in a similar style—not as the kind of open-ended form of 'typed speech' as it has evolved to become. Shari whipped me into shape with a kind of Texting 101 where she outlined what a text should be like before I left for my trip. Guys learn to text! Girls who don't, learn to text! And find a platform that allows you to maintain the continuous conversation beyond the constraints of time or space.
(3) Schedule a Specific Time to Hang Out
YOU MUST SCHEDULE A HANG OUT TIME EVERY WEEK!!! I cannot emphasize this enough. This is not just a quick 30 minutes. During your regular weeks where nothing out of the ordinary is happening, you need to plan a day during which you can spend hours (1) catching up on what happened that week, (2) talking about things that interest you, (3) 'growing together' by getting to know each other more deeply or making future plans together, and (4) doing some joint activity together.
While special circumstance weeks such as when I was out "in the bush" for fieldwork (in the Arfak Mountains of New Guinea) wouldn't count, most weeks we had one day where we spent on average about 6 hours on Skype. When I was in New Guinea and then in Australia, Shari was in South Africa. She would tell me about all the adventures she'd had that week. We should talk about things we planned to do in the countries where we were. We made plans to meet up at certain points in our trip for a week or so. We spent some of that time having movie nights or watching our favorite TV shows together. We're pretty low key, but you might choose to play games together or something. Just make sure you make the time to hang out.
(4) Have 'Digital Date Nights'
Every now and then you need to throw in a date night. Dress up nice. Light some candles. Each of you should make the same meal. Let it be something special. And over skype have a date night. The idea is to make each side look as similar as possible and enjoy a date like you would if the person were right there in front of you. These special nights will last in your memories forever.
(5) Make Holidays Happen
Just because you're traveling doesn't mean you can't make holidays happen. Show up on Skype at family-gathering for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Send gifts. And especially make Valentine's day! I was in New Guinea and Valentine's Day was on the day I was due to head out to the mountains. I looked up flower shops near Cape Town (South Africa), got Shari's address from a friend traveling with her, and had flowers and chocolate delivered on that day. It really makes a difference if you make those special days happen. It helps to avoid the habitual rut relationships can sink into when you're on a rigid schedule.
(6) Communicate When and How Long You Will Be Off The Grid
Inevitably there will be days or even weeks when you will be off the grid. When I was in the Solomon Islands I had a field excursion on the island of Malaita where I wouldn't have access to the internet at all for a few weeks. I let Shari know that well in advance so that it wasn't a great surprise. You should never seem like you just fell off the edge of the earth for a while. That's alarming and honestly dangerous, because your person is left wondering whether something horrible has happened to you. I'm by no means perfect at this, especially when I'm only off the grid for a day or two, but you really should make sure your significant other is in the know when it comes to traveling to super remote places.
On Skype with Shari.
Shari on Skype with me.
Don't forget that every situation is different. These suggestions are a place to start in your long distance journey. Those that work, keep. Those that don't, throw away or reconfigure. Please add your own to the mix, because your plan should be as unique as your relationship with your significant other. This list is by no means comprehensive, nor does it attempt to be. It's simply a good scaffold for building your own long-lasting long distance relationship. I hope you find these LOVEly ideas about doing the distance helpful.